Thursday, November 10, 2005

Should be Bete, Bete, Burning Bright... (wink)

Tiger by William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And What shoulder, and what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

One day you gonna wake up and you ain't gonna have no hos. Its gonna happen.

A Poem By the beast

If I were the Aquatics Director at the YMCA...

If I were the Aquatics Director at the YMCA
I would change my title to Chief Oldie Patrol.
I would hide beer under my desk.
I would learn how to play 'We Don't Need No Education' on my rubberband guitar.
I would make up cheers for the Y, like Go Y Go Y, Freeze and Let the YMCA Do It!
I would horde all the basketballs in my office and pretend to know nothing.
If I were the Aquatics Director at the YMCA
I would bring Jager and M&M's to go with my beer.
I would set up a fake keypad outside of my door and make people punch in the right numbers or press their thumbs up to it. And I would deny half of them access.
I would hold moments of silence over the intercom for all the roadkill I caused peeling rubber out of the parking lot at 5 o'clock.
I f I were the Aquatics Director at the YMCA I would change the acronym meaning to Yo Mom's a Crank Addict.
I would slip a couple o' wisk disks into the swimming pool. Day Off!
I would require all my lifegaurds to pass the go get me a sandwich manuever.
Oh life would be so grand to be the Aquatics Director at the YMCA!!!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

La Feroce Bete in Disguise....

My Monster Profile

Basilisk Enigma
You Feast On: Coffee
You Lurk Around In: Flocks of Freshmen
You Especially Like to Torment: Groupies

Monday, October 31, 2005

Kahlil Gibran on Friendship

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay." And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart; For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Daily Discoveries by ME!

Today I realized I may be a little too competative. In my head I'm racing against the girl in the cubicle beside me, but I can't even see her and have know idea what she's actually doing. I also may have a gambling addiction hidden inside. I also think I may have taken a really old vitamin this morning. Not because I feel any differently, but b/c my pee was flourescent green instead of the new neon yellow hue I had been producing. Guys like my shirt. The highlighter on my desk is the same color as my healthy vitamin pee. That would actually be a really cool new crayon name. (Vitamin Pee) I don't like green runt candies. I can't tell what flavor they are and that bothers me. Plus they're gross. I threw a half eaten hashbrown at some protestors today.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Elvis was spotted today leaving Las Vegas with Tornado Jed and Stinky the Badger. According to sketchy, but often correct sources, the trio was headed for the Canyons O' Grand. Awaiting their arrival was a peculiar being not familiar to any. Tornado and Stinky could be quoted saying, "He was a minister." However, the affirmation never came. Apparently, the two haven't seen a minister in quite some time and could not be positive as to their assumption. Fortunately for them, Elvis aka Dave, attested that in fact it was a minister and yes he was there to perform a miraculous bonding ceremony involving Stinky and the Tornado. Items were sent from the great state of South Carolina to adorn the bride herself on this special day. Amongst these items were a handkerchief (old), beautiful earings (new), and a garter (borrowed and blue). We will continue investigating into the awe inspiring events of Tuesday, October 25th.

Stay Tuned.
Updates at Eleven.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Sesame Chicken Blues

Who am i kidding? I had NO idea what Sesame Chicken blues actually were until about 6 hours later.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Dodgeball anyone?

Employment is a beautiful thing. I'm still not a morning person but have managed to be on time and actually only slightly less than perky. Knowing there is a paycheck in my future makes it all the more bright. I'm on my 15 min break. Must take. I'd rather continue working, but you know how it is...pee, coffee, smoke! Whether you want to or not! Oh, you don't smoke? Well, thats ok, it won't hurt you to mingle and get some "fresh" air. Out ya go...hurry along now. This is where you come in early to find your supervisor smearing glue on her face. "Dodgeball is a special time, not just for you kids, but for Miss Lippy too! "

PS ~I met a pirate last night named Mick, drank some windex, and played a harmonica.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

....ants marching

I am reposting this blog as a dedication to my lovely little friend Marie-Lisette.

I saw a big ant hill today. It made me think about ant farms.
Thinking about ant farms made me remember when I was a kid and my sister and I had one. It was cool back then...I think.
Which reminded me of my sister's pets that seemed to die a lot.
Which reminded me of a little girl I used to babysit. She had about 7 hamsters.

Not at the same time. They all unfortunately met untimely deaths.
The first one died of fright. Apparently they don't like being thrown in the air (go figure. but no one told the 6 yr old)
The second died of hamster cancer. I don't know.
The third was playing in the yard when it seized an opportunity to escape and disappeared forever under the fence.
The fourth died in a bathtub accident. She was bathing it and with fierce objections from me, a horrified onlooker, she swore it could hold its breath, does it all the time.
The fifth was eaten by a neighbors' dog during a most lovely tea party.
The sixth died during a school science project. I never got the full details.
Number seven never made it home. Something about a suicidal plunge out the window of a moving mini van.

Sette, you are my muse!
I once saw a five year-old still breast feeding in Wal-Mart.

Its funny how that happened to me about 7 years ago and yet the image is as clear as if I were still there.

In fact it pops into my head at the most unusual times.

I've asked God to erase it from my memory, but I think he wants me to tell people.

Its sort of like a UFO sighting. Nobody wants to believe you, but its so weird, it has to be true.

Ugh. Shivers again.


So I've officially been labeled immature.
Welcome to the club, right?
Could've been worse.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not immature. Of course I am. We ALL are. We say to ourselves, "when I grow up..". What is grown-up? Making our beds without being asked, having a baby, voting for another "grown-up", owning a mortgage, watching R-rated movies?
I think grown-up is finally realizing that we peaked at age 12.
That's right. We may have the ability to operate heavy machinery, but acting a fool is never out of the cards. We put age limits on things so that teenagers and infants can't do them better and outshine us.
I guess you could say we have the upper hand on life experiences.
Sure. So what.
What have you really learned so far? Don't hold your pee until you wet your pants? Some of us haven't even learned that.
Citizens in my world; immaturity is around for the long haul. And I for one say fight fire with fire. Maturity is so over-rated.
The mature thing to do would be to ignore such childish behavior in prevention of falling for the ole' negative attention is better than no attention at all.
But let's face it, that's no fun....

Friday, October 14, 2005

Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Total make over. No more crazy talk about badges. I'd rather talk about badgeRs.
I have a somewhat curious friend who talks of monkeys and badgers all the time. Some of you reading could or have had to pick him out in a line up. That's right. You're only queer if you care.
Anyway, I'm very perplexed about the whole badger obsession, so have decided to do a little research.
If you already know this stuff, you too fall into the 'off your box' category. Here goes.
There are 6 different kinds of badger. Eurasian, American, Hog, Ferret, Stink, and Honey.
I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. If I were a badger what kind would I be?
I could categorize a number of you, but won't for the mere fact none of you have any problem with retaliation or REVENGE.
Now, to get back on track. Badgers are huge in England. Apparently they really love them over there. Don't think too hard about that one.
I have enclosed a website from the UK where you can view badgers 24 hours a day on the BADGER WEBCAM! No lie. Check it out.
Badgers are rarely seen during the day, but forage for food at night. (like some people I know) Their favorite foods are earthworms, insects, roots, fruits and berries. At this point you're thinking, "If I want to learn about badgers, I'll just look up the information myself."
Fine. I can accept your desire for independent study, but I'll tell ya right now; there are over 950 websites devoted to the beloved badger. Better put the coffee on or 'suit' up! So just stop all your whining and appreciate the fact I've condensed this impertinent data for you.
If you find a hole that you think may be part of a badger's home, look around for badger's footprints and in the piles of spoil for badger hairs. This might sound weird to some of you, but knowing the difference between a badger hole and another kind of hole, could one day save your life or the lives of your loved ones. This info is not to be taken lightly, but with savage dedication to the fascinating life of 'the badger'.
I pray you take this information with you and join the thousands that have nothing better to do with their time than to watch badgers 24 hours a day.

Rice, Rice, Baby!

Stop! Grab a plate and listen.
Rice is back with a brand new addition.

I have finally proven myself worthy to be a contributing member of this greased pig contest we call a society! Lather me up with some crisco and let me loose. I may not be the fastest pig in the pen, but I sure as hell will entertain the masses with my "gimme some candy" self preservation. I need not explain to anyone who has walked a mile in my most recent rubber soled torture devices, the humiliation one incurs as a result of being unemployed. Any pride I clung to after my fright flight from the great peninsula was quickly replaced with humility and stark conformity. Even eight dollars an hour motivates the 'I don't want to live in a cardboard box next to Stinky Macpeedonmyself ' dreamer in all of us. As my penguin clad cohort Angela will attest to, there come moments in one's life when throwing in the towel just doesn't cut it. One must wet and roll that towel for an arse popping the banquet nazi won't soon be forgetting. One day I'll be forced by my therapist to look back on these days and cringe.
As for now I believe hard work, a little determination, and utter mortification are the perfect ingredients for success. I'm proud to announce I'm clearly not a psycho-maniacal cube filler. I enjoy long walks on the beach and playing with fire. Some may feel that is a dangerous quality but my new employers think it will add spice to my sales approach. I'm not quite up to par on their manageability standards. (which isn't a big surprise) My profile reports a lean slightly towards the loose cannon side. But I didn't share my 'you can stick your head up a butcher's ass' theory, so I'm safely part of the team!
I'm off to bask in my own glory. Tune in again. Same bat time, same bat channel!

Friday, October 07, 2005


The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!
It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
Slugs have 4 noses!
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.
There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a ten dollar bill.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Just your Plain Ole' Garden Variety DMV

Naturally one groans aloud at the thought of having to grace the doors of the DMV. For whatever reason your visit, you are immediately labeled a delinquent of the lowest priority. To make your visit all the more excruciatingly pleasant, you find yourself in one of two lines. Each one equally long and equally slow. But no matter which one you pick, your line tops the chart for these particular categories.
1. Shortest guy. (measuring in at about 4'10")
2. Homeless guy playing annoying video game.
3. Walking on Sunshine guy, whose visit to the DMV is the highlight of his day.
4. Sara (most pretentious delinquent in both lines)
5. Nine months pregnant chick, who takes up two spaces.
6. Harlequin Romance reader, who doesn't pay attention to the line when it
moves after 45 min.
7. Smelly chick.
8. Personal space guy. You can practically taste his tic-tac.
9. Sweaty baldheaded guy whose fluorescent light reflecting head burns your

Unfortunately, we all must visit the DMV. Here are some things to do that may numb the pain....
1. Count the hairs on short guy's head.
2. Tell guy with video game you bought that same one for your retarded nephew.
3. Sing along with Captain Insano.
4. Help Sara make fun of everyone in room! (this one is easy because you're pretentious #2)
5. Smile at the human incubator with lips closed and tilt your head.
6. 007 your way in front of harlequin lady.
7. Pretend you're at the zoo.
8. Trade places with personal space guy so that he's next to smelly chick.
9. Suck it up, you're at the DMV.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Milk outta ya Nose, no doubt.

Ain't nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin' peaches off a hardwood floor.
Amy Poehler as Earline Oliver Country Roses Skit SNL

Dr. Spock Chapter 666

One thing kids like is to be tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
p.s. notice the creative use of 666 in the heading.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Sloppy Seconds

Julian Beever is a pavement artist. His 3D illusions are some of the most amazing pieces of art you'll ever see! He gives his paintings an anamorphosis view. Dedicated to Tornado Jed and his LOVE of boiled sweets! deep fried buffalo heard me.

'Pirate Joke Song' by Ben Folds

'Pirate Joke Song'
This pirate walks into a bar
With a captain's wheel crammed down the front of his pants
And the bartender says
And the bartender says
"Why you got that Captain's wheel crammed down the front of pants?"
And he says: "Arr! It's driving me nuts!"
"Arr, Arr! It's driving me nuts!" "Arr, Arr! It's driving me nuts!"
And that's the end of my song
Arr, it's driving me...
Arr, it's driving me nuts
Arr, it's driving me...
Arr, it's driving me...

Panic Stricken

The night of October 3rd, moving SLOWLY into October 4th. My curious dream was this.....

SETTING: a different country somewhere in Europe to be a nanny (i think). a very big and intricate house. extremely inconvenient. rooms were either monstrous with furniture strewn in such a disarray, or so small the furniture fit just exactly in all the way up to the doors themselves. stairs were all over the place...needed or not.
CHARACTERS: sara, aunt robin, the menace, random bitchy girls, and guests
PLOT: i was taking care of (actually just following around) this insubordinate child. a right evil terror. he was 5, maybe. the masters of the house were away. there were other girls there. sara was one of them. but she wasn't being very nice. (surprise)
i was in quite an anxious state just having to go through doors that made no sense into rooms that made less sense, and up and down stairs that went nowhere.

as i was rounding up the little pip squeek, i saw a train on wheels approaching the house around the circular drive. all it carried was party food. catered bonbons and triangle sandwiches. i asked someone in the house why they were here and if there was going to be a party. no one "knew".
my aunt robin appeared out of thin air and said to prepare the house for all the guests that will be arriving shortly. i asked her who the guests were and she said 'your sister cara, ashley, and the rest of the.....incoherent rambling, wawawa....
i went to find sara. she wouldn't tell me although it was obvious she knew. i was so irritated at all of this i could scream.
i tried to put the ankle biter to bed, but he hit me and then bit me. i slapped him across the face, which was a horror in itself. it left my bright red fingerprints on his cheek although i knew I hadn't hit him very hard. his bed was too big for his room and touched each wall. you couldn't even close the doors unless you were on the bed.
i took a shower at some point and when i went to dry off their were no towels. i had to wrap myself in a pair of pants and walk back across the house to my room. about seven rooms and six staircases later i arrive to find my room taken over by the new guest arrivals.
sara is around somewhere. when i find her she tells me she as no clue whats going on, but i shouldn't get so worked up about it.
this extremely retarded and frustrating dream lasted ALL NIGHT LONG!

*i only shared this so that you could be in as much pain as i

Monday, October 03, 2005

Jack Webb!!

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Jeepers Creepers

OCTOBER is here! Tis' the season to be scary!! Here are some things to make your October the best month yet!
1. ...i don't care who you are, that's funny.
2. Go pumpkin picking. Or just take your neighbor's.

3. Horde stuff.
4. Give all of your friends scary nicknames, like: Freddy, Jack-O, Bag-o-Bones, Skeletor, or Edward Scissor Hands.
5. Set fire to something you don't own. (this should exclude pets and slaves)
666. Use 666 in as many ways as possible. Ex. tatoos, sticky notes, screen savers...
7. Tell everyone you see, that your birthday is October 31st. And then say, just kidding, but I was born on the same day as Satan.

More to come... Thats Spooktastic!! WhooaH ah ah ah aH!

Friday, September 30, 2005

Put That in Your Pipe and Smoke It!

Mornin' ladies, my goodness don't you look happy. Must be cuttin' somebody up pretty good. ~Andy Griffith

If the Ten Commandments isn't sufficient, I recommend Waterfalls by TLC. Words to live by. ~La Feroce Bete

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
~Albert Einstein

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. ~Jack Handy

I believe the children are our future, unless we stop them now! ~Homer Simpson (interviewing for a guard job at a juvinile prison)

Exciting and Challenging Career


JOB DESCRIPTION : Control student traffic....(no monkey business), Use state issued whistle on noncompliant students and teachers, Create single-file lines at a moment's notice, Record and report excessive lunchroom noise, Keep lunchroom ladies under control.

REQUIREMENTS : Safety certificate, must fit into one-size fits all uniform, preferably a mensa member, seeing-eye dog optional, former CIA welcome

*Please send resume to

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Shoot me in the head......

My opinion.... Interviews should go like this.
Interviewer: Good Morning, Aubrey, is it?
Aubrey: Good Morning! (smiling) Yes, Aubrey, Thank you so much for meeting with me today.
Interviewer: Well, Aubrey, if you're ready, let's get started.
Interviewer: Why do you think you'll be an asset to this company?
Aubrey: Cause you guys pay your employees, and thats exactly what I'm looking for. To be paid. Perfect match!
Interviewer: I see. And how would you describe the ideal job.
Aubrey: This one. Definetely this one.
Interviewer: Aubrey, I feel no need to go any further. You have impressed me greatly with your career goals and knowledge of our company. Welcome to the team!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

September 28, 2005 Wednesday

i thought once of being a great writer
then realizing my lack there ode
decided to be an actor
surely you've been there
forget not you're down stage
lest you change your mind
to be an artist, a teacher, a journalist, maybe speak french
don't fool, not fooling, no one's fooled
settle then
drunk brave amused focused poor
sweet forgiving lover pale forgotten
decided to be an architect
surely you've been there
forget not you're up stage
lest you change your mind

Step One : Discretely Identify Malfunction

"Beware the fury of a patient man."

- John Dryden