Friday, October 07, 2005


The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!
It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
Slugs have 4 noses!
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.
There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a ten dollar bill.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Just your Plain Ole' Garden Variety DMV

Naturally one groans aloud at the thought of having to grace the doors of the DMV. For whatever reason your visit, you are immediately labeled a delinquent of the lowest priority. To make your visit all the more excruciatingly pleasant, you find yourself in one of two lines. Each one equally long and equally slow. But no matter which one you pick, your line tops the chart for these particular categories.
1. Shortest guy. (measuring in at about 4'10")
2. Homeless guy playing annoying video game.
3. Walking on Sunshine guy, whose visit to the DMV is the highlight of his day.
4. Sara (most pretentious delinquent in both lines)
5. Nine months pregnant chick, who takes up two spaces.
6. Harlequin Romance reader, who doesn't pay attention to the line when it
moves after 45 min.
7. Smelly chick.
8. Personal space guy. You can practically taste his tic-tac.
9. Sweaty baldheaded guy whose fluorescent light reflecting head burns your

Unfortunately, we all must visit the DMV. Here are some things to do that may numb the pain....
1. Count the hairs on short guy's head.
2. Tell guy with video game you bought that same one for your retarded nephew.
3. Sing along with Captain Insano.
4. Help Sara make fun of everyone in room! (this one is easy because you're pretentious #2)
5. Smile at the human incubator with lips closed and tilt your head.
6. 007 your way in front of harlequin lady.
7. Pretend you're at the zoo.
8. Trade places with personal space guy so that he's next to smelly chick.
9. Suck it up, you're at the DMV.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Milk outta ya Nose, no doubt.

Ain't nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin' peaches off a hardwood floor.
Amy Poehler as Earline Oliver Country Roses Skit SNL

Dr. Spock Chapter 666

One thing kids like is to be tricked.
For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.
I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
p.s. notice the creative use of 666 in the heading.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Sloppy Seconds

Julian Beever is a pavement artist. His 3D illusions are some of the most amazing pieces of art you'll ever see! He gives his paintings an anamorphosis view. Dedicated to Tornado Jed and his LOVE of boiled sweets! deep fried buffalo heard me.

'Pirate Joke Song' by Ben Folds

'Pirate Joke Song'
This pirate walks into a bar
With a captain's wheel crammed down the front of his pants
And the bartender says
And the bartender says
"Why you got that Captain's wheel crammed down the front of pants?"
And he says: "Arr! It's driving me nuts!"
"Arr, Arr! It's driving me nuts!" "Arr, Arr! It's driving me nuts!"
And that's the end of my song
Arr, it's driving me...
Arr, it's driving me nuts
Arr, it's driving me...
Arr, it's driving me...

Panic Stricken

The night of October 3rd, moving SLOWLY into October 4th. My curious dream was this.....

SETTING: a different country somewhere in Europe to be a nanny (i think). a very big and intricate house. extremely inconvenient. rooms were either monstrous with furniture strewn in such a disarray, or so small the furniture fit just exactly in all the way up to the doors themselves. stairs were all over the place...needed or not.
CHARACTERS: sara, aunt robin, the menace, random bitchy girls, and guests
PLOT: i was taking care of (actually just following around) this insubordinate child. a right evil terror. he was 5, maybe. the masters of the house were away. there were other girls there. sara was one of them. but she wasn't being very nice. (surprise)
i was in quite an anxious state just having to go through doors that made no sense into rooms that made less sense, and up and down stairs that went nowhere.

as i was rounding up the little pip squeek, i saw a train on wheels approaching the house around the circular drive. all it carried was party food. catered bonbons and triangle sandwiches. i asked someone in the house why they were here and if there was going to be a party. no one "knew".
my aunt robin appeared out of thin air and said to prepare the house for all the guests that will be arriving shortly. i asked her who the guests were and she said 'your sister cara, ashley, and the rest of the.....incoherent rambling, wawawa....
i went to find sara. she wouldn't tell me although it was obvious she knew. i was so irritated at all of this i could scream.
i tried to put the ankle biter to bed, but he hit me and then bit me. i slapped him across the face, which was a horror in itself. it left my bright red fingerprints on his cheek although i knew I hadn't hit him very hard. his bed was too big for his room and touched each wall. you couldn't even close the doors unless you were on the bed.
i took a shower at some point and when i went to dry off their were no towels. i had to wrap myself in a pair of pants and walk back across the house to my room. about seven rooms and six staircases later i arrive to find my room taken over by the new guest arrivals.
sara is around somewhere. when i find her she tells me she as no clue whats going on, but i shouldn't get so worked up about it.
this extremely retarded and frustrating dream lasted ALL NIGHT LONG!

*i only shared this so that you could be in as much pain as i

Monday, October 03, 2005

Jack Webb!!

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."