Friday, October 14, 2005

Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Total make over. No more crazy talk about badges. I'd rather talk about badgeRs.
I have a somewhat curious friend who talks of monkeys and badgers all the time. Some of you reading could or have had to pick him out in a line up. That's right. You're only queer if you care.
Anyway, I'm very perplexed about the whole badger obsession, so have decided to do a little research.
If you already know this stuff, you too fall into the 'off your box' category. Here goes.
There are 6 different kinds of badger. Eurasian, American, Hog, Ferret, Stink, and Honey.
I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. If I were a badger what kind would I be?
I could categorize a number of you, but won't for the mere fact none of you have any problem with retaliation or REVENGE.
Now, to get back on track. Badgers are huge in England. Apparently they really love them over there. Don't think too hard about that one.
I have enclosed a website from the UK where you can view badgers 24 hours a day on the BADGER WEBCAM! No lie. Check it out.
Badgers are rarely seen during the day, but forage for food at night. (like some people I know) Their favorite foods are earthworms, insects, roots, fruits and berries. At this point you're thinking, "If I want to learn about badgers, I'll just look up the information myself."
Fine. I can accept your desire for independent study, but I'll tell ya right now; there are over 950 websites devoted to the beloved badger. Better put the coffee on or 'suit' up! So just stop all your whining and appreciate the fact I've condensed this impertinent data for you.
If you find a hole that you think may be part of a badger's home, look around for badger's footprints and in the piles of spoil for badger hairs. This might sound weird to some of you, but knowing the difference between a badger hole and another kind of hole, could one day save your life or the lives of your loved ones. This info is not to be taken lightly, but with savage dedication to the fascinating life of 'the badger'.
I pray you take this information with you and join the thousands that have nothing better to do with their time than to watch badgers 24 hours a day.

Rice, Rice, Baby!

Stop! Grab a plate and listen.
Rice is back with a brand new addition.

I have finally proven myself worthy to be a contributing member of this greased pig contest we call a society! Lather me up with some crisco and let me loose. I may not be the fastest pig in the pen, but I sure as hell will entertain the masses with my "gimme some candy" self preservation. I need not explain to anyone who has walked a mile in my most recent rubber soled torture devices, the humiliation one incurs as a result of being unemployed. Any pride I clung to after my fright flight from the great peninsula was quickly replaced with humility and stark conformity. Even eight dollars an hour motivates the 'I don't want to live in a cardboard box next to Stinky Macpeedonmyself ' dreamer in all of us. As my penguin clad cohort Angela will attest to, there come moments in one's life when throwing in the towel just doesn't cut it. One must wet and roll that towel for an arse popping the banquet nazi won't soon be forgetting. One day I'll be forced by my therapist to look back on these days and cringe.
As for now I believe hard work, a little determination, and utter mortification are the perfect ingredients for success. I'm proud to announce I'm clearly not a psycho-maniacal cube filler. I enjoy long walks on the beach and playing with fire. Some may feel that is a dangerous quality but my new employers think it will add spice to my sales approach. I'm not quite up to par on their manageability standards. (which isn't a big surprise) My profile reports a lean slightly towards the loose cannon side. But I didn't share my 'you can stick your head up a butcher's ass' theory, so I'm safely part of the team!
I'm off to bask in my own glory. Tune in again. Same bat time, same bat channel!