Saturday, November 01, 2008

Three Thumbs Up.

I'm taking a breather and reading some friends' blogs when I get my 63rd call of the day. Call goes like this:

Me: (dead and monotoned with a hint of 'i care') "Repair, how can I help you?"
Gennie Williams: "Huh? Hell-ow? Uh, yeh. I uh need someone to help me. Uh. Hell-ow?"
Me: (small smirk appearing at corner of mouth) "I'm listening. How can I help you?"
Gennie Williams: "Uh, yeh. Thayw's this co-ward outside mye howas and it's poling on a bowad."
Me: (absolute silence)
Gennie Williams: "Uh, yeh. hell-ow? Uh yeh, so it's poling on a bowad on the side of my howas and I need someone to come owat and fix this fo me."
Me: "Ok."
Gennie Williams: "Nowa I have a doctor's ahpontment on Monday, so whahen do you thank someone will be owat to fix that?"
Me: ................dialtone.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Beauty Queen for a Day

If tiny brown infected mice were being chased through the sewer by technology and corporate sludge they would spill from a tub faucet into my brain as beeps. The beeps come. Over and over. Beating against my white porcelain head trying to scratch and chew their way through my brain to freedom on the other side, leaving stains of rust and disgust. With every nibble another curse spills into my brain.
Gray matter is forced through the chewed screen and chased across the scuffed floor hardly scathed by the screeches and falling brooms. And if I stay still, I might see Poison in the corner of my eye. Hitching a ride on that same apathetic mouse. Waving at admiring fans and choking on fumes, but hell bent on making her reign inside my brain. It's no wonder the funk wins out in the end. The beauty queen may lose respect, but she never really loses.

Its not atrophy until someone loses a limb!

My thighs feel like they're filled with the makings of an omelette. Nothing's going on. Thick mud moves through my veins with no intentions of nourishing the poor African village on my knee caps. If the mice were to make it through the layers of petrified cells into my blood stream they would choke and sputter, backing up behind the fat kid on the slide. Beep.
Fat kid gets stuck.
I can sense the sun is setting. Confirmation only comes when a stream of light pierces my retina and wakens the page boy sleeping quietly in the corner. Jab, nudge, poke. Darkness will soon follow. Darkness to match my mood. Black like mouse poop. Like a starving African village. Like the beauty queen's soul. Black like dead brain matter. Beep.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


A few days ago corporate sent out an 'Evacuation Plan' email. It consisted of 9 pages. I read every single one of them. Not because I'm so concerned with my safety in the event of a terrorist hit on a communications building in Greenville, SC., but because it was like reading about a train wreck before it happened.

The procedures were detailed and precise. No page unturned. Unless you consider the 'get out as fast as you can' page.

Evacuation Plan A :

1. In the event of an emergency, remain calm.
2. You will be informed by your manager if evacuation procedures are necessary.
3. Upon evacuation, politely complete your call in under one minute. If it becomes apparent your call cannot be completed politely in under one minute, inform your caller you are under mandatory emergency evacuation, obtain a call back number, assure them their call will be returned, and disconnect.
4. Place your phone in ' meeting' aux status, take your computer out of licensed mode, burn any important documents that may possibly endure current disaster, gather any personal items you can carry comfortably - down 42 flights of stairs (and possibly back up again), empty office refrigerators of any perishable foods, stay clear of windows, sharp objects, electricity, and/or flammable office supplies.
5. Listen for the announcement that your group is ready to be evacuated.

Evacuation Order:
Sales Managers
Sales Team
Tech Managers
Tech IIIs
Tech IIs
Tech Is
Frontline Techs
Office Assistants
Contracted Temps
Scum of the Earth
6. Calmly, courteously, and carefully make your way to the stairwells located in the SNE, ENW, WNS, EWS and NEW corners of the building.
7. Exit the building to your left.
8. Look both ways before crossing the street.
9. Find your manager. If your manager is not present, follow corporate hierarchy until you meet up with your team.
10. State "present" when your name is called.
11. Under NO circumstances are you to re-enter the building. Unless, you left your computer in license mode.

Steps 12 thru 32 may compromise corporate competition clauses.
* I can assure you, I was one of few that read and absorbed this evacuation mandate. My prediction for any future emergencies involves, chaos, trampling, computers tossed through windows, and employees dangling from phone cords. Thumbs up corporate, but you're dealing with the general public, and generally that means your plan is going up with the building.

Whether it's a bright yellow Dollar General or a $5000 Birkin, everyone's got a bag!

Look around. Bags of groceries, doggy bags, bags under your eyes, diaper bags, beach bags, gym bags, barf bags, plastic bags, paper bags, hemp bags....

Bags of flaming poo, sandbags, bagpipes, colostomy bags, ZipLock bags, baggy pants, bag ladies, storage bags, bodybags, carpet bags, tea bags, bags of cash, bags of evidence, Joey Bag of Donuts, Bag O' Bones, bag of tricks, vacuum bags, Saggy Baggy Elephant, bags of candy, old bag, trash bags, ....

Whew. I'm bagged.