IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY:

A few days ago corporate sent out an 'Evacuation Plan' email. It consisted of 9 pages. I read every single one of them. Not because I'm so concerned with my safety in the event of a terrorist hit on a communications building in Greenville, SC., but because it was like reading about a train wreck before it happened.

The procedures were detailed and precise. No page unturned. Unless you consider the 'get out as fast as you can' page.

Evacuation Plan A :

1. In the event of an emergency, remain calm.

2. You will be informed by your manager if evacuation procedures are necessary.

3. Upon evacuation, politely complete your call in under one minute. If it becomes apparent your call cannot be completed politely in under one minute, inform your caller you are under mandatory emergency evacuation, obtain a call back number, assure them their call will be returned, and disconnect.

4. Place your phone in ' meeting' aux status, take your computer out of licensed mode, burn any important documents that may possibly endure current disaster, gather any personal items you can carry comfortably - down 42 flights of stairs (and possibly back up again), empty office refrigerators of any perishable foods, stay clear of windows, sharp objects, electricity, and/or flammable office supplies.

5. Listen for the announcement that your group is ready to be evacuated.

Evacuation Order:

CEO

CFO

Sales Managers

Sales Team

Tech Managers

Tech IIIs

Tech IIs

Tech Is

Frontline Techs

Office Assistants

Contracted Temps

Janitors

Scum of the Earth

6. Calmly, courteously, and carefully make your way to the stairwells located in the SNE, ENW, WNS, EWS and NEW corners of the building.

7. Exit the building to your left.

8. Look both ways before crossing the street.

9. Find your manager. If your manager is not present, follow corporate hierarchy until you meet up with your team.

10. State "present" when your name is called.

11. Under NO circumstances are you to re-enter the building. Unless, you left your computer in license mode.

Steps 12 thru 32 may compromise corporate competition clauses.

* I can assure you, I was one of few that read and absorbed this evacuation mandate. My prediction for any future emergencies involves, chaos, trampling, computers tossed through windows, and employees dangling from phone cords. Thumbs up corporate, but you're dealing with the general public, and generally that means your plan is going up with the building.

Whether it's a bright yellow Dollar General or a $5000 Birkin, everyone's got a bag!

Look around. Bags of groceries, doggy bags, bags under your eyes, diaper bags, beach bags, gym bags, barf bags, plastic bags, paper bags, hemp bags....

Bags of flaming poo, sandbags, bagpipes, colostomy bags, ZipLock bags, baggy pants, bag ladies, storage bags, bodybags, carpet bags, tea bags, bags of cash, bags of evidence, Joey Bag of Donuts, Bag O' Bones, bag of tricks, vacuum bags, Saggy Baggy Elephant, bags of candy, old bag, trash bags, ....

Whew. I'm bagged.

Dedicated to Hawt Soup ;)

"This sentence is made of lead (and a sentence of lead gives a reader an entirely different sensation from one made of magnesium). This sentence is made of yak wool. This sentence is made of sunlight and plums. This sentence is made of ice. This sentence is made from the blood of the poet. This sentence was made in Japan. This sentence glows in the dark. This sentence was born with a caul. This sentence has a crush on Norman Mailer. This sentence is a wino and doesn't care who knows it. Like many italic sentences, this one has Mafia connections. This sentence is a double Cancer with a Pisces rising. This sentence lost its mind searching for the perfect paragraph. This sentence refuses to be diagrammed. This sentence ran off with an adverb clause. This sentence is 100 percent organic: it will not retain a facsimile of freshness like thoses sentences of Homer, Shakespeare, Goethe et al., which are loaded with preservatives. This sentence leaks. This sentence doesn't look Jewish... This sentence has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal savior. This sentence once spit in a book reviewer's eye. This sentence can do the funky chicken. This sentence has seen too much and forgotten too little. This sentence is called "Speedoo" but its real name is Mr. Earl. This sentence may be pregnant. This sentence suffered a split infinitive - and survivied. If this sentence has been a snake you'd have bitten it. This sentence went to jail with Clifford Irving. This sentence went to Woodstock. And this little sentence went wee wee wee all the way home. " — Tom Robbins

It's been 2.5 years since I last posted. Hard to wrap your brain around, I know.

Here is an update on La Feroce Bete:

* I'm no longer cube dwelling 40 hours a week. Nope, dropped it to 36! This all takes place in three days. The other four days are reserved for my newest endeavor, Cake Squared Inc.

* I'm still a Scorpio. My mother refused to change my birth date. Hater.

* Gas now costs more than a beer. For a while there it was, "Guinness, or a half gallon of gas?" But it's getting better. Domestic beer's taking the hit now.

*W. is sliding home.

* Marie Osmond didn't win Dancing With the Stars. In fact, she didn't win anything. So, actually, bad example. Nothing's changed there.

* While we're on the 'nothing's changed' let me add - my milkshake still brings all the boys to the yard.

*Boris Yeltsin, George Carlin, Isaac Hayes, and Heath Ledger all went to the sweet by and by in the sky.

* Britney Spears is sober. So is Sara.

*Ann Curry is still bludgeoning the news for the American public via The Today Show. While off the air, reports say, she chews her face.

Obviously, lots of things have changed since I stopped blogging. But I'm back and time can once again stand still!

THIS IS HOW I FEEL ON TUESDAY.

Too Legit

Who ever said life at the office couldn't be.....hmm, worth the drive. I've recently tripped over a new victim in my plot to rid the world of mundane misery. He's a cubicle dweller like myself. However, 'he' is the key word. He IS the only male processor in the building. Which, as one might assume, makes him the perfect target. I decided to give him a weird quirk. I then decided to share it with the office by posting signs on his cubicle, unbeknownst to him. Inadvertently, I made him the "IT" boy.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am about to share with you how this all came about. Sitting at my desk, pen in hand, ear phones in, I heard an MC Hammer song. In my wandering mind, I perceived an MC Hammer groupie and what he/she might be like. I decided then and there that there must be someone out there that believes that MC Hammer was the greatest rapper of our time. This is where my perception took reality by its horns, scalped it, and wore it for the public to mock. I waited for the opportune time to tape a banner on this poor unsuspecting soul's cube wall announcing to all that MC Hammer was and will always be the greatest rapper ever known. And from now on, we were to refer to him by the nickname, Hammer.
As fortune took its all too accomplicing turn the banner was forgotten about and left up for the morning rush. As wanderers by took notice, the buzz in the office spread like cheap margarine on stale toast. High fives and "Hey Hammer's" could be heard coming from our new prom king's square kingdom. After the delight of discovering we were among greatness subsided it was time to invent again. This time I chose to make it interactive. I posted a sign-up sheet on Hammer's cubicle for an upcoming trivia night, dedicated to the one and only MC Hammer.
This is not over. Periodically I adorn his gray walls with MC Hammer for President, and Stop. Hammer Time posters. It never gets old if it evolves like Hammer's career. So for now its all up to our new IT boy who seems to be taking his newly found popularity and buttering everyone's toast. Lets face it, riding the coattails can be a wild ride.

Ecstasy

you wouldn't believe how many times i sit here and try to think of something to write. most of the time i attribute it to being exhausted or bored with nothing all that inspirational to pull from. i'm a workin' girl now. busy and normal. but that's all perspective isn't it? lets see. this past week. be patient while i recap. ok, monday. oh, by the way most of these will start at 6pm, being that's when life after work begins. i was broke on monday so i went home. tuesday. i was still broke, but i played darts and lost. actually won seven dollars, but it was an overall loss. wednesday. i went over to sara and jed's to meet franklin. he's a snuggly bundle of pure happiness. he's also the new puppy, not the new baby. that bundle hasn't arrived yet. thursday. i literally bribed a co-worker into going to have drinks with me after work. i had a most deserved and extremely well made dirty martini-3 olives. Ecstasy. friday was girls night. yep. it was as exciting as it sounds. we had dinner, and watched elizabethtown which i do not recommend unless you're having trouble sleeping. saturday. went to coffee way too early than a saturday morning should start. who would have guessed i have an internal alarm. sunday. got up and went to cvs. i love shopping for toiletries and stuff i don't reaaally need. $80 later, i went to the grocery store and bought the ingredients for a meal straight out of coronas, montereys or el jaliscos. it was badass. and that's it. whew. no wonder i'm so tired.