IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY:

A few days ago corporate sent out an 'Evacuation Plan' email. It consisted of 9 pages. I read every single one of them. Not because I'm so concerned with my safety in the event of a terrorist hit on a communications building in Greenville, SC., but because it was like reading about a train wreck before it happened.

The procedures were detailed and precise. No page unturned. Unless you consider the 'get out as fast as you can' page.

Evacuation Plan A :

1. In the event of an emergency, remain calm.

2. You will be informed by your manager if evacuation procedures are necessary.

3. Upon evacuation, politely complete your call in under one minute. If it becomes apparent your call cannot be completed politely in under one minute, inform your caller you are under mandatory emergency evacuation, obtain a call back number, assure them their call will be returned, and disconnect.

4. Place your phone in ' meeting' aux status, take your computer out of licensed mode, burn any important documents that may possibly endure current disaster, gather any personal items you can carry comfortably - down 42 flights of stairs (and possibly back up again), empty office refrigerators of any perishable foods, stay clear of windows, sharp objects, electricity, and/or flammable office supplies.

5. Listen for the announcement that your group is ready to be evacuated.

Evacuation Order:

CEO

CFO

Sales Managers

Sales Team

Tech Managers

Tech IIIs

Tech IIs

Tech Is

Frontline Techs

Office Assistants

Contracted Temps

Janitors

Scum of the Earth

6. Calmly, courteously, and carefully make your way to the stairwells located in the SNE, ENW, WNS, EWS and NEW corners of the building.

7. Exit the building to your left.

8. Look both ways before crossing the street.

9. Find your manager. If your manager is not present, follow corporate hierarchy until you meet up with your team.

10. State "present" when your name is called.

11. Under NO circumstances are you to re-enter the building. Unless, you left your computer in license mode.

Steps 12 thru 32 may compromise corporate competition clauses.

* I can assure you, I was one of few that read and absorbed this evacuation mandate. My prediction for any future emergencies involves, chaos, trampling, computers tossed through windows, and employees dangling from phone cords. Thumbs up corporate, but you're dealing with the general public, and generally that means your plan is going up with the building.