Dodgeball anyone?

Employment is a beautiful thing. I'm still not a morning person but have managed to be on time and actually only slightly less than perky. Knowing there is a paycheck in my future makes it all the more bright. I'm on my 15 min break. Must take. I'd rather continue working, but you know how it is...pee, coffee, smoke! Whether you want to or not! Oh, you don't smoke? Well, thats ok, it won't hurt you to mingle and get some "fresh" air. Out ya go...hurry along now. This is where you come in early to find your supervisor smearing glue on her face. "Dodgeball is a special time, not just for you kids, but for Miss Lippy too! "

PS ~I met a pirate last night named Mick, drank some windex, and played a harmonica.

....ants marching

I am reposting this blog as a dedication to my lovely little friend Marie-Lisette.

I saw a big ant hill today. It made me think about ant farms.
Thinking about ant farms made me remember when I was a kid and my sister and I had one. It was cool back then...I think.
Which reminded me of my sister's pets that seemed to die a lot.
Which reminded me of a little girl I used to babysit. She had about 7 hamsters.
Not at the same time. They all unfortunately met untimely deaths.
The first one died of fright. Apparently they don't like being thrown in the air (go figure. but no one told the 6 yr old)
The second died of hamster cancer. I don't know.
The third was playing in the yard when it seized an opportunity to escape and disappeared forever under the fence.
The fourth died in a bathtub accident. She was bathing it and with fierce objections from me, a horrified onlooker, she swore it could hold its breath, does it all the time.
The fifth was eaten by a neighbors' dog during a most lovely tea party.
The sixth died during a school science project. I never got the full details.
Number seven never made it home. Something about a suicidal plunge out the window of a moving mini van.


Sette, you are my muse!

I once saw a five year-old still breast feeding in Wal-Mart.

Its funny how that happened to me about 7 years ago and yet the image is as clear as if I were still there.

In fact it pops into my head at the most unusual times.

I've asked God to erase it from my memory, but I think he wants me to tell people.

Its sort of like a UFO sighting. Nobody wants to believe you, but its so weird, it has to be true.

Ugh. Shivers again.

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

So I've officially been labeled immature.
Welcome to the club, right?
Could've been worse.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not immature. Of course I am. We ALL are. We say to ourselves, "when I grow up..". What is grown-up? Making our beds without being asked, having a baby, voting for another "grown-up", owning a mortgage, watching R-rated movies?
I think grown-up is finally realizing that we peaked at age 12.
That's right. We may have the ability to operate heavy machinery, but acting a fool is never out of the cards. We put age limits on things so that teenagers and infants can't do them better and outshine us.
I guess you could say we have the upper hand on life experiences.
Sure. So what.
What have you really learned so far? Don't hold your pee until you wet your pants? Some of us haven't even learned that.
Citizens in my world; immaturity is around for the long haul. And I for one say fight fire with fire. Maturity is so over-rated.
The mature thing to do would be to ignore such childish behavior in prevention of falling for the ole' negative attention is better than no attention at all.
But let's face it, that's no fun....

Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Total make over. No more crazy talk about badges. I'd rather talk about badgeRs.
I have a somewhat curious friend who talks of monkeys and badgers all the time. Some of you reading could or have had to pick him out in a line up. That's right. You're only queer if you care.
Anyway, I'm very perplexed about the whole badger obsession, so have decided to do a little research.
If you already know this stuff, you too fall into the 'off your box' category. Here goes.
There are 6 different kinds of badger. Eurasian, American, Hog, Ferret, Stink, and Honey.
I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. If I were a badger what kind would I be?
I could categorize a number of you, but won't for the mere fact none of you have any problem with retaliation or REVENGE.
Now, to get back on track. Badgers are huge in England. Apparently they really love them over there. Don't think too hard about that one.
I have enclosed a website from the UK where you can view badgers 24 hours a day on the BADGER WEBCAM! No lie. Check it out. http://www.denburyfarm.co.uk/webcams.php
Badgers are rarely seen during the day, but forage for food at night. (like some people I know) Their favorite foods are earthworms, insects, roots, fruits and berries. At this point you're thinking, "If I want to learn about badgers, I'll just look up the information myself."
Fine. I can accept your desire for independent study, but I'll tell ya right now; there are over 950 websites devoted to the beloved badger. Better put the coffee on or 'suit' up! So just stop all your whining and appreciate the fact I've condensed this impertinent data for you.
If you find a hole that you think may be part of a badger's home, look around for badger's footprints and in the piles of spoil for badger hairs. This might sound weird to some of you, but knowing the difference between a badger hole and another kind of hole, could one day save your life or the lives of your loved ones. This info is not to be taken lightly, but with savage dedication to the fascinating life of 'the badger'.
I pray you take this information with you and join the thousands that have nothing better to do with their time than to watch badgers 24 hours a day.

Rice, Rice, Baby!

Stop! Grab a plate and listen.
Rice is back with a brand new addition.

I have finally proven myself worthy to be a contributing member of this greased pig contest we call a society! Lather me up with some crisco and let me loose. I may not be the fastest pig in the pen, but I sure as hell will entertain the masses with my "gimme some candy" self preservation. I need not explain to anyone who has walked a mile in my most recent rubber soled torture devices, the humiliation one incurs as a result of being unemployed. Any pride I clung to after my fright flight from the great peninsula was quickly replaced with humility and stark conformity. Even eight dollars an hour motivates the 'I don't want to live in a cardboard box next to Stinky Macpeedonmyself ' dreamer in all of us. As my penguin clad cohort Angela will attest to, there come moments in one's life when throwing in the towel just doesn't cut it. One must wet and roll that towel for an arse popping the banquet nazi won't soon be forgetting. One day I'll be forced by my therapist to look back on these days and cringe.
As for now I believe hard work, a little determination, and utter mortification are the perfect ingredients for success. I'm proud to announce I'm clearly not a psycho-maniacal cube filler. I enjoy long walks on the beach and playing with fire. Some may feel that is a dangerous quality but my new employers think it will add spice to my sales approach. I'm not quite up to par on their manageability standards. (which isn't a big surprise) My profile reports a lean slightly towards the loose cannon side. But I didn't share my 'you can stick your head up a butcher's ass' theory, so I'm safely part of the team!
I'm off to bask in my own glory. Tune in again. Same bat time, same bat channel!

Flutterby!!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!
It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
Slugs have 4 noses!
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!
The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.
There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a ten dollar bill.