Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Total make over. No more crazy talk about badges. I'd rather talk about badgeRs.
I have a somewhat curious friend who talks of monkeys and badgers all the time. Some of you reading could or have had to pick him out in a line up. That's right. You're only queer if you care.
Anyway, I'm very perplexed about the whole badger obsession, so have decided to do a little research.
If you already know this stuff, you too fall into the 'off your box' category. Here goes.
There are 6 different kinds of badger. Eurasian, American, Hog, Ferret, Stink, and Honey.
I know what you're thinking because I thought it too. If I were a badger what kind would I be?
I could categorize a number of you, but won't for the mere fact none of you have any problem with retaliation or REVENGE.
Now, to get back on track. Badgers are huge in England. Apparently they really love them over there. Don't think too hard about that one.
I have enclosed a website from the UK where you can view badgers 24 hours a day on the BADGER WEBCAM! No lie. Check it out. http://www.denburyfarm.co.uk/webcams.php
Badgers are rarely seen during the day, but forage for food at night. (like some people I know) Their favorite foods are earthworms, insects, roots, fruits and berries. At this point you're thinking, "If I want to learn about badgers, I'll just look up the information myself."
Fine. I can accept your desire for independent study, but I'll tell ya right now; there are over 950 websites devoted to the beloved badger. Better put the coffee on or 'suit' up! So just stop all your whining and appreciate the fact I've condensed this impertinent data for you.
If you find a hole that you think may be part of a badger's home, look around for badger's footprints and in the piles of spoil for badger hairs. This might sound weird to some of you, but knowing the difference between a badger hole and another kind of hole, could one day save your life or the lives of your loved ones. This info is not to be taken lightly, but with savage dedication to the fascinating life of 'the badger'.
I pray you take this information with you and join the thousands that have nothing better to do with their time than to watch badgers 24 hours a day.

Rice, Rice, Baby!

Stop! Grab a plate and listen.
Rice is back with a brand new addition.

I have finally proven myself worthy to be a contributing member of this greased pig contest we call a society! Lather me up with some crisco and let me loose. I may not be the fastest pig in the pen, but I sure as hell will entertain the masses with my "gimme some candy" self preservation. I need not explain to anyone who has walked a mile in my most recent rubber soled torture devices, the humiliation one incurs as a result of being unemployed. Any pride I clung to after my fright flight from the great peninsula was quickly replaced with humility and stark conformity. Even eight dollars an hour motivates the 'I don't want to live in a cardboard box next to Stinky Macpeedonmyself ' dreamer in all of us. As my penguin clad cohort Angela will attest to, there come moments in one's life when throwing in the towel just doesn't cut it. One must wet and roll that towel for an arse popping the banquet nazi won't soon be forgetting. One day I'll be forced by my therapist to look back on these days and cringe.
As for now I believe hard work, a little determination, and utter mortification are the perfect ingredients for success. I'm proud to announce I'm clearly not a psycho-maniacal cube filler. I enjoy long walks on the beach and playing with fire. Some may feel that is a dangerous quality but my new employers think it will add spice to my sales approach. I'm not quite up to par on their manageability standards. (which isn't a big surprise) My profile reports a lean slightly towards the loose cannon side. But I didn't share my 'you can stick your head up a butcher's ass' theory, so I'm safely part of the team!
I'm off to bask in my own glory. Tune in again. Same bat time, same bat channel!

Flutterby!!

The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye, and Poopeye!
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people!
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second!
It's against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
Slugs have 4 noses!
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!
The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.
There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a ten dollar bill.

Just your Plain Ole' Garden Variety DMV

Naturally one groans aloud at the thought of having to grace the doors of the DMV. For whatever reason your visit, you are immediately labeled a delinquent of the lowest priority. To make your visit all the more excruciatingly pleasant, you find yourself in one of two lines. Each one equally long and equally slow. But no matter which one you pick, your line tops the chart for these particular categories.
1. Shortest guy. (measuring in at about 4'10")
2. Homeless guy playing annoying video game.
3. Walking on Sunshine guy, whose visit to the DMV is the highlight of his day.
4. Sara (most pretentious delinquent in both lines)
5. Nine months pregnant chick, who takes up two spaces.
6. Harlequin Romance reader, who doesn't pay attention to the line when it
moves after 45 min.
7. Smelly chick.
8. Personal space guy. You can practically taste his tic-tac.
9. Sweaty baldheaded guy whose fluorescent light reflecting head burns your
eyeballs.

Unfortunately, we all must visit the DMV. Here are some things to do that may numb the pain....
1. Count the hairs on short guy's head.
2. Tell guy with video game you bought that same one for your retarded nephew.
3. Sing along with Captain Insano.
4. Help Sara make fun of everyone in room! (this one is easy because you're pretentious #2)
5. Smile at the human incubator with lips closed and tilt your head.
6. 007 your way in front of harlequin lady.
7. Pretend you're at the zoo.
8. Trade places with personal space guy so that he's next to smelly chick.
9. Suck it up, you're at the DMV.

Milk outta ya Nose, no doubt.

Ain't nothing cuter than a fat country baby eatin' peaches off a hardwood floor.

Amy Poehler as Earline Oliver Country Roses Skit SNL

Dr. Spock Chapter 666

One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

p.s. notice the creative use of 666 in the heading.

Sloppy Seconds

Julian Beever is a pavement artist. His 3D illusions are some of the most amazing pieces of art you'll ever see! He gives his paintings an anamorphosis view. http://www.rense.com/general67/street.htm

http://www.aquarterof.co.uk/index.php Dedicated to Tornado Jed and his LOVE of boiled sweets!

http://porktornado.diaryland.com/ deep fried buffalo taint...you heard me.